for me.

Here I sit, wanting to write something, but having no idea what to write. I admit that this time, I write for myself, because I need to write. We have shared our good news of expecting another baby in October, however we will never meet that baby as it has returned to be with it's Father in Heaven. I always used to wonder how people felt who had shared news of being pregnant only to have to state that they had lost the baby not long afterward. Did they wish they'd never shared the news in the first place? Well now I know how I feel: I feel sad- sad that I am no longer pregnant, sad that we will not be celebrating a new baby in our home in October... sad. However, that is how I always imagined I'd feel in this situation. What surprises me is that I also feel thankful. I am thankful that we decided to tell people before we 'knew' that we would get to meet this baby, because it was a big deal to us, an exciting anticipation that God was going to give us another precious life to keep watch over. With all 3 pregnancies, I imagined that it would help us to have let people know about the coming baby even if we lost it, because we would need to have our friends and family know about the joy and the pain. I believe that truth is a large part of healing and it would be hard to not share what is going on in our lives. So now I know that I don't regret telling people we were expecting a baby only to turn around and tell them that we will never meet that baby. It's ok, and we're ok, and we are confident that God has given this as a gift to us in some way. We are tired from a couple of rough days which concluded with Nate and I at the hospital in the middle of the night. Thankfully neighbors came to stay with our kids and we didn't worry about them at all. We are surrounded by a wonderful community of friends here.

We are just taking this all in- it's a big picture that we can't see completely yet. The song, Blessed Be Your Name has been running through my head almost incessantly, so I will copy it below this. It is a song that we sang at our wedding almost 5 years ago, and through all of our journey so far, it continues to be a song that expresses very well the peace that we have found in what God has given us. "... my heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name!" It rings of praise and trust in a God whose ways are so perfect that we are only able to see their intricate perfection when we look back, but we can never see exactly what He has ahead of us and how He plans to work.

Blessed be your name in the land that is plentiful,
Where your streams of abundance flow,
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
when I’m found in the desert place,
though I walk through the wilderness,
Blessed be your name

Evr’y blessing you pour out I’ll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in Lord, still I will say.
Blessed be the name of the lord,
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the lord,
Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name
when the sun’s shining down on me,
when the world’s all as it should be,
Blessed be your name.

Blessed be your name on the road marked with suffering,
Though there’s pain in the offering
Blessed be your name.

You give and take away, you give and take away.
My heart will choose to say, Lord, blessed be your name…